My husband has been obsessed for some time with replacing gas-fueled vehicles (“gas guzzlers”) with electric battery-fueled
vehicles. He is fond of quoting a Tesla Car forum user: “I got tired of being a sucker and paying for over-priced crude
oil knowing the money was going to Middle East nut jobs that want to kill me.” He, my husband, is a “green nut” par excellence.
A laudable obsession, you say. But wait – his obsession led him to a sub-obsession: The Tesla Motors electric car (read:
the model S sedan). And lately the Model X SUV.
My husband wanted to change the name of our pooch from “Poochie” to “Elon Musk.” Elon Musk is the CEO of Tesla Motors. Here
I put my foot down. He had to settle for naming our goldfish Elon Musk. We are the only family in the world with a goldfish
named Elon Musk. Even Elon Musk’s family doesn’t have a goldfish named after him. My husband praises the aerodynamics
of the goldfish. “Like the Model S,” he says.
He is a sworn follower of the Tesla car Internet forums via which aficionados exchange helpful information about the cars:
how to operate their many and frequently updated applications; suggestions for vehicle improvements; videos showing the
cars in action. During such forum watching, my hubby holds out his coffee cup or meal tray for my replenishing, his eyes
glued to the computer screen. When I complained, he replied, “The model S has a cup-holder.”
Small wonder I call myself a “Tesla wife.”
He even put on a Russian video (circa November 2013) describing (for an hour) the Model S and its step-by-step operation
– and he doesn’t know a word of Russian! This didn’t prevent him from translating it for my benefit (he knows the operating
steps by heart). I suggested he send his resume to the CIA. During the presentation, losing patience at being forced
to watch it, I sneered something about “dialectical materialism,” which he ignored. After the presentation was finished,
he said it was hopelessly out-of-date – so many new applications were added afterward, but it was part of Tesla history.
Speaking of Tesla history, the Tesla Motor company and its cars are named for Nicola Tesla (1856-1943), the brilliant, if
at times idiosyncratic, inventor of many electrical devices and systems (including the AC induction motor used in Tesla
cars). Sometimes he went overboard, as in his theoretical invention of the thought camera which would photograph thoughts
(alas, he lived before Google could bankroll it). On the other hand, Tesla didn’t believe in telepathy.
One Tesla forum poster (forum name: “ILOVEMYTESLA”) wrote, “Nicola is a Genius that is not getting as much recognition as
Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, and Isaac Newton. Thanks to Elon Musk for finally making him a legend and taking his
name to the level where he should have been in the first place!” This prompted a reply: “Well, of course he doesn’t get
as much recognition as Einstein. He said the theory of relativity was wrong.”
Musk probably factored in the theory of relativity in designing the Model S.
Once, if I wanted my husband to come to bed for exercise and play, I would walk past the TV (in the pre-forum TV days) in
my bra and panties. Last time I passed near his computer thus unattired – he mumbled something about my liability to
catch cold and said something about a forum hope that the new Model X would have heated seats! I felt like telling him
to have sex with the damn seats!
I once half kiddingly (then) suggested I might seek a divorce. His reply: “Elon Musk is divorced. His wife claimed he was
a genius but spent all his time wrapped up in his car.”
I shot back, “You have no excuse – you’re not a genius.” I’d like to see him autopilot his life alone! The odd thing is that
he can’t afford a Model S or a Model X.
“I’m saving my money for a Tesla Model 3,” he announced recently. The model 3 is targeted as an economy car for the masses
“I’m saving my money for a divorce,” I replied. Or maybe I’ll sublimate my Tesla problem into a book. I will title it “The
Tesla Syndrome.” At the university, I majored in English Literature, minored in Psychology. My MA paper was entitled,
“Problems of Psychiatric Adjustment on the Part of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Caused by Hamletian Dominance.”
I tell him that before he has a Model 3 – he may have a third wife. He was married briefly at a young age to his first wife.
They separated, not because of a Tesla car – Elon Musk had not yet made his splash.
I am referring to the Elon Musk – the CEO, not the goldfish.