The Universe: An Oral History – Brian Bannon

Brian Bannon

In the beginning was the Phoneme, and the Phoneme was with a sort of nasal accent, and the Phoneme was either /p/ or /b/ but could have been a /th/. It’s hard to say for sure because that was way back at the beginning and the Phoneme was eating crackers at the time.
In space, no one can hear your new Bluetooth speaker. Are you sure you made both it and your device discoverable? Then you have to pair them. Also, it needs to be in range. Space is probably too far. Try an end table or next to the TV.
Particles and cracker crumbs eventually coalesced into planets. On Earth, oceans formed and an atmosphere emerged, giving sound waves a medium to travel across.
The first living organisms to emerge from the primordial soup had no sense of hearing. But they sure could dance.
The evolutionary necessity of ears is in dispute. One school of biologists argue it was to hear predators as they approached while a competing faction mumbles something unintelligible. Both theories are taught in Texas.
Sound waves are mechanical. Pressure and displacement waving through air and water and the solid lifeforms then living. Dinosaurs had a pulse. “Was that a meteor crashing or am I hearing things?”
The loudest sound ever heard by man is believed to be the eruption of Krakatoa in 1883. The next was a slumber party in Schaumburg, Illinois.
As humans age, the higher frequencies fall silent. That’s why nursing homes play Wheel of Fortune at full blast.
If a tree falls in the woods and no one’s there to hear it, does it land on where the bear shat?
The Silent Scream is not a good first date movie.

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